Dear Cottonelle Roll Poll,
We roll under here in the Henig household. In my experience, it makes it a little more difficult for toddlers to undo the entire roll when we eat dinner and forget to close the baby gate.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Spam
Dear California Democratic Party,
I don’t know how you got my personal e-mail, which I never give out (that’s what yahoo accounts are for), but this needs to stop. If I get ONE more e-mail from an assembly person or other California legislator, I swear to Jehosepha that I will vote Republican whenever possible.
Please do not take this as an empty threat. When my Granny was in labor with my father, Grandad made her vote in the Republican Primary and as a result, my father was born in an elevator. Granny voted Democrat for the rest of her life.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
I don’t know how you got my personal e-mail, which I never give out (that’s what yahoo accounts are for), but this needs to stop. If I get ONE more e-mail from an assembly person or other California legislator, I swear to Jehosepha that I will vote Republican whenever possible.
Please do not take this as an empty threat. When my Granny was in labor with my father, Grandad made her vote in the Republican Primary and as a result, my father was born in an elevator. Granny voted Democrat for the rest of her life.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monkey Brain
I never thought I’d say this, but after the 10,000 th viewing of Madagascar, I miss Kung Fu Panda. Why did I, erm, I mean, Santa, have to buy all the Madagascar beanie babies???
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Spam
Dear VicodinPharma,
I’ve received several e-mails from you this week. Hmm, do you have some insight into my upcoming delivery? Please, tell me what is in your crystal ball!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
I’ve received several e-mails from you this week. Hmm, do you have some insight into my upcoming delivery? Please, tell me what is in your crystal ball!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Spam
Dear Phisherman,
Do I “want to bigger down there”? Um, no. And trust me, everyone does NOT want “to bigger down there.” For example, I am carrying a big Valentine’s box of chocolates in my belly, and the bigger it gets, the less likely I’ll have a successful VBAC; yah feel me?
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Do I “want to bigger down there”? Um, no. And trust me, everyone does NOT want “to bigger down there.” For example, I am carrying a big Valentine’s box of chocolates in my belly, and the bigger it gets, the less likely I’ll have a successful VBAC; yah feel me?
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Monkey Brain
Dear Tivo,
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A MONKEY BRAIN SETTING? HOW COULD YOU ERASE THE LAST TWO EPISODES OF THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?? YOU ARE SO GOING INTO TIME OUT!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A MONKEY BRAIN SETTING? HOW COULD YOU ERASE THE LAST TWO EPISODES OF THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?? YOU ARE SO GOING INTO TIME OUT!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
38 Weeks: Fabulous Fetus
2 more weeks! 2 more weeks! 2 more weeks!
My pain is clearing up, which is a relief in many ways. I also had an ultrasound this morning, and Keiki the leek is measuring 8.2 lbs (+/- 1lb, but they estimated that the baby’s probably under 8 lbs), and the head is in proportion to the rest of the body (no big pumpkin head right now). I believe the radiologist’s words were, “Baby is looking fabulous.” And who doesn’t like to hear about her fabulous fetus? Overall, it looks like I’m measuring about a week ahead, so that’s pretty good.
For most of the afternoon, I felt so happy and really giddy. We are down to the last two weeks, and my VBAC chances are looking better and better.
This pregnancy has been so different from the first time around. With Jacob, we knew the sex, he was named at 20 weeks, and around this time, we scheduled the induction and family visits; so much was planned to a T. I think I felt so much anxiety under the surface, which drove my need for structure and planning to provide comfort.
In contrast, we don’t know the sex, we have ideas about names but no final choices, we don’t know how Keiki is coming out, and we have no immediate postpartum visits planned. I have said “I don’t know” so much during this pregnancy, and I’m finding that I kind of like it.
When I was a kid, I spent as much of my summer as possible in the Atlantic Ocean. On rough surf days, I would often find myself with a few bruises and a bathing suit (if I was lucky) or mouthful (if I was not) of sand as I fought the scary pull of the water that could tumble me around like a sock in a washing machine. On the few times that I could relax my body into the movement of the ocean, I would find myself safely ashore, and while the sand up the butt was not always avoidable, I could certainly avoid a few bumps and bruises.
Today I felt like I was relaxing into the tumbling undertow that pregnancy can be sometimes. As I imagined the increased possibility of VBAC, I’m looking forward to that journey and hope it works out. I can envision the pain of labor, but it is a good pain, a pain with a purpose, and as strange as it may sound, I can imagine enjoying it. Even now, as Keiki head butts my cervix, it is a sharp, stabbing feeling, but I think to myself, ‘Go, Keiki go!” as I know that it means that my body is preparing for something big. And even if that ends in surgery, that is okay. Right now, I am enjoying the feeling of sweet surrender to whatever the next two weeks bring.
And this is why I write, because tomorrow my abdomen pain may be back and that C-Section could be on like Donkey Kong.
My pain is clearing up, which is a relief in many ways. I also had an ultrasound this morning, and Keiki the leek is measuring 8.2 lbs (+/- 1lb, but they estimated that the baby’s probably under 8 lbs), and the head is in proportion to the rest of the body (no big pumpkin head right now). I believe the radiologist’s words were, “Baby is looking fabulous.” And who doesn’t like to hear about her fabulous fetus? Overall, it looks like I’m measuring about a week ahead, so that’s pretty good.
For most of the afternoon, I felt so happy and really giddy. We are down to the last two weeks, and my VBAC chances are looking better and better.
This pregnancy has been so different from the first time around. With Jacob, we knew the sex, he was named at 20 weeks, and around this time, we scheduled the induction and family visits; so much was planned to a T. I think I felt so much anxiety under the surface, which drove my need for structure and planning to provide comfort.
In contrast, we don’t know the sex, we have ideas about names but no final choices, we don’t know how Keiki is coming out, and we have no immediate postpartum visits planned. I have said “I don’t know” so much during this pregnancy, and I’m finding that I kind of like it.
When I was a kid, I spent as much of my summer as possible in the Atlantic Ocean. On rough surf days, I would often find myself with a few bruises and a bathing suit (if I was lucky) or mouthful (if I was not) of sand as I fought the scary pull of the water that could tumble me around like a sock in a washing machine. On the few times that I could relax my body into the movement of the ocean, I would find myself safely ashore, and while the sand up the butt was not always avoidable, I could certainly avoid a few bumps and bruises.
Today I felt like I was relaxing into the tumbling undertow that pregnancy can be sometimes. As I imagined the increased possibility of VBAC, I’m looking forward to that journey and hope it works out. I can envision the pain of labor, but it is a good pain, a pain with a purpose, and as strange as it may sound, I can imagine enjoying it. Even now, as Keiki head butts my cervix, it is a sharp, stabbing feeling, but I think to myself, ‘Go, Keiki go!” as I know that it means that my body is preparing for something big. And even if that ends in surgery, that is okay. Right now, I am enjoying the feeling of sweet surrender to whatever the next two weeks bring.
And this is why I write, because tomorrow my abdomen pain may be back and that C-Section could be on like Donkey Kong.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monkey Brain
Dear Biggest Loser Producers,
Despite my Monkey Brain, I am fully capable of remembering what happened during the first hour, so show me more sweat and less recap.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Despite my Monkey Brain, I am fully capable of remembering what happened during the first hour, so show me more sweat and less recap.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Monday, January 25, 2010
38 Week Checkup, Stats & Baby Mama Drama
BP: 134/74 (highest so far, but still in the normal range)
Fundal Height: 40 cm
Weight: No change
Cervix: 50% effaced, dilated .5 cm
Other: See Below
So last Friday, I woke up and couldn’t move without pain in my lower abdomen. I was mostly okay when sitting (working on the computer is most of what I do) so I got distracted by my work and felt okay except when getting up to eat, etc. I was a little worried, but figured I’d give it until Saturday before doing something about it since I wasn’t having contractions, just pain.
On Saturday, I was still in pain but thought I could go to Stroller Strides and walk it off (erm, denial much?). There were some rain showers, and it turns out SS was cancelled so we thought we would just take a walk. I could barely walk about 50 feet before I just stopped and started sobbing. Combine pregnancy hormones and scary pain that is not contractions (along with decreased fetal movement), and that’s what you get, I guess. So I hobbled back to the car and had Josh call my Dr, since I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to string two sentences together. A couple of hours later, we were on our way to the hospital for a nonstress test and an ad-hoc test run for Keiki’s delivery.
Since children under 16 are not allowed in labor & delivery (H1N1), we had to come up with an impromptu plan for Jacob. Luckily our neighbors were home and happy to take him, so he played with their four year old and watched some Lightning McQueen while Josh came back to the hospital to be with me. We have friends who will be with Jacob while I’m at the hospital, but they are about 30 min away, so we are lucky to have great neighbors to fill that gap if needed.
A nonstress test, despite its name, is more of a stress test. Basically, you lie in a hospital bed with a fetal monitor attached to your belly to track the baby’s heartbeat and contractions if any. They have a certain number of heartbeat accelerations that they want to see in an hour to demonstrate that the baby is healthy and active. Good ole Keiki gave them what they were looking four in 10 minutes, and during the hour I was monitored, she/he moved more than in the previous 36 hours! I felt sort of silly, but relieved and still glad that I got things checked out. Most likely Keiki has been moving down and is now putting more pressure on my scar and so my lower abdomen is not a happy camper. I was told to stay on bed rest and see my doc ASAP, which brings us back to this morning.
After hearing more about my weekend, Dr. B told me that if she checked me and I was still closed up, we could do the C-Section this week if the pain does not subside. And while I admit to waffling back and forth this pregnancy, my eyes bugged out like Joey Tribiani in that episode (“The One with the Kips”) of Friends when he realizes that Monica and Chandler are sleeping together. Dr. B’s thinking is that if I am in a lot of pain, she doesn’t want me to stay pregnant if I don’t want to, especially since I’m full term.
My visceral reaction to this option finally helped me realize what I think I've been unwilling to let myself see: that unless it’s medically necessary, I don’t want a C-Section. That may change if this pain does not go away this week, but right now I can deal with it. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to check out the size of this kid, and if it shows that Keiki is looking like a 10 pounder that may change my tune, but as of now, I’m medically clear to still wait until my due date, and then I am willing to schedule a C-Section for Friday, February 12 (mark your calendars, Internet!).
My bug-eyed response was both a confirmation of what I want in my heart, but also excitement and temptation. If I have a C-Section this week, I get to meet Keiki, and I’m so ready to meet him/her. That temptation is huge, not only because I get to meet this child I’ve been dreaming about, but there is also the fact that my decision will be made. No more waffling, no more VBAC/C-Section debate, and as helpful as this process has been, I’m sure ready for it to be over. I had a flash of relief, as if I move forward with a scheduled C-Section will tie up loose ends and I’ll know what’s going to happen and can plan for it, and that sounds so comforting right now.
And yet.
I’ve spent the last 5 months or so blogging my way through my fears and anxieties about things that I can’t control, and so I want to see it through. I want to continue to sit with the ambivalence as long as I can without being a risk to myself or Keiki. And again, what I love about Dr. B is that she gives it to me straight. Today I told her, “I want a VBAC, but I don’t want that to cloud my judgment and make decisions that may put myself at risk.” Her response was that medically speaking, I’m still in the green for VBAC. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday, which will give us both more information, and we agreed on some more parameters about what would be okay if I do go into labor, but I’m not locked into surgery just yet.
This may all change by the end of this week if the current pain/discomfort doesn’t improve, but so far, it has. Saturday morning’s walk was about 7-8 on the pain scale, and today I’m getting down to a 5 or so, and it feels less like pain, and more like soreness, so that’s good. I’ll keep you posted!
Fundal Height: 40 cm
Weight: No change
Cervix: 50% effaced, dilated .5 cm
Other: See Below
So last Friday, I woke up and couldn’t move without pain in my lower abdomen. I was mostly okay when sitting (working on the computer is most of what I do) so I got distracted by my work and felt okay except when getting up to eat, etc. I was a little worried, but figured I’d give it until Saturday before doing something about it since I wasn’t having contractions, just pain.
On Saturday, I was still in pain but thought I could go to Stroller Strides and walk it off (erm, denial much?). There were some rain showers, and it turns out SS was cancelled so we thought we would just take a walk. I could barely walk about 50 feet before I just stopped and started sobbing. Combine pregnancy hormones and scary pain that is not contractions (along with decreased fetal movement), and that’s what you get, I guess. So I hobbled back to the car and had Josh call my Dr, since I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to string two sentences together. A couple of hours later, we were on our way to the hospital for a nonstress test and an ad-hoc test run for Keiki’s delivery.
Since children under 16 are not allowed in labor & delivery (H1N1), we had to come up with an impromptu plan for Jacob. Luckily our neighbors were home and happy to take him, so he played with their four year old and watched some Lightning McQueen while Josh came back to the hospital to be with me. We have friends who will be with Jacob while I’m at the hospital, but they are about 30 min away, so we are lucky to have great neighbors to fill that gap if needed.
A nonstress test, despite its name, is more of a stress test. Basically, you lie in a hospital bed with a fetal monitor attached to your belly to track the baby’s heartbeat and contractions if any. They have a certain number of heartbeat accelerations that they want to see in an hour to demonstrate that the baby is healthy and active. Good ole Keiki gave them what they were looking four in 10 minutes, and during the hour I was monitored, she/he moved more than in the previous 36 hours! I felt sort of silly, but relieved and still glad that I got things checked out. Most likely Keiki has been moving down and is now putting more pressure on my scar and so my lower abdomen is not a happy camper. I was told to stay on bed rest and see my doc ASAP, which brings us back to this morning.
After hearing more about my weekend, Dr. B told me that if she checked me and I was still closed up, we could do the C-Section this week if the pain does not subside. And while I admit to waffling back and forth this pregnancy, my eyes bugged out like Joey Tribiani in that episode (“The One with the Kips”) of Friends when he realizes that Monica and Chandler are sleeping together. Dr. B’s thinking is that if I am in a lot of pain, she doesn’t want me to stay pregnant if I don’t want to, especially since I’m full term.
My visceral reaction to this option finally helped me realize what I think I've been unwilling to let myself see: that unless it’s medically necessary, I don’t want a C-Section. That may change if this pain does not go away this week, but right now I can deal with it. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to check out the size of this kid, and if it shows that Keiki is looking like a 10 pounder that may change my tune, but as of now, I’m medically clear to still wait until my due date, and then I am willing to schedule a C-Section for Friday, February 12 (mark your calendars, Internet!).
My bug-eyed response was both a confirmation of what I want in my heart, but also excitement and temptation. If I have a C-Section this week, I get to meet Keiki, and I’m so ready to meet him/her. That temptation is huge, not only because I get to meet this child I’ve been dreaming about, but there is also the fact that my decision will be made. No more waffling, no more VBAC/C-Section debate, and as helpful as this process has been, I’m sure ready for it to be over. I had a flash of relief, as if I move forward with a scheduled C-Section will tie up loose ends and I’ll know what’s going to happen and can plan for it, and that sounds so comforting right now.
And yet.
I’ve spent the last 5 months or so blogging my way through my fears and anxieties about things that I can’t control, and so I want to see it through. I want to continue to sit with the ambivalence as long as I can without being a risk to myself or Keiki. And again, what I love about Dr. B is that she gives it to me straight. Today I told her, “I want a VBAC, but I don’t want that to cloud my judgment and make decisions that may put myself at risk.” Her response was that medically speaking, I’m still in the green for VBAC. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday, which will give us both more information, and we agreed on some more parameters about what would be okay if I do go into labor, but I’m not locked into surgery just yet.
This may all change by the end of this week if the current pain/discomfort doesn’t improve, but so far, it has. Saturday morning’s walk was about 7-8 on the pain scale, and today I’m getting down to a 5 or so, and it feels less like pain, and more like soreness, so that’s good. I’ll keep you posted!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
It's the little things, part 2
Dear Animal Planet,
Please stick to your day job of providing interesting animal programming. While it's good to try new things, trust me when i state that your foray into puzzle making is an UNMITIGATED disaster.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Please stick to your day job of providing interesting animal programming. While it's good to try new things, trust me when i state that your foray into puzzle making is an UNMITIGATED disaster.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
It's the little things
Dear Melissa & Doug, makers of puzzles for tots,
I am so sorry, and will never do it again. Your puzzles are so great, especially the oversize jigsaw puzzles. Not only do ALL the pieces come in each box, they are sturdy enough for almost 28 month old boy genius' to stomp on and put together all by themselves! The interlocked pieces also don't fall apart when moved, causing certain bed-resting (more on that later) preggos to want to set them on fire. I love your puzzles and we will never stray again.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
I am so sorry, and will never do it again. Your puzzles are so great, especially the oversize jigsaw puzzles. Not only do ALL the pieces come in each box, they are sturdy enough for almost 28 month old boy genius' to stomp on and put together all by themselves! The interlocked pieces also don't fall apart when moved, causing certain bed-resting (more on that later) preggos to want to set them on fire. I love your puzzles and we will never stray again.
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Spam
Dear Phisherman,
Why yes, I AM looking to be a top chef. Finally, you guys are listening!!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Why yes, I AM looking to be a top chef. Finally, you guys are listening!!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Friday, January 22, 2010
Monkey Brain
I feel bad about how this whole NBC latenight fiasco turned out, especially since I love me some Conan (and not just because he went to Harvard). He didn’t get totally fired, but he kind of got passive aggressively fired.
This is just like what happened to Lynette? On Desperate Housewives? When she hid her pregnancy from Carlos, and then when he found out he knew he couldn’t fire her, so he gave her a “promotion” which required that she leave Fairfield and move to Florida (FLORIDA!) and so she said no and he said she was out of a job because she said no to the promotion and that he wasn’t firing her, and it was SO! DAMN! SNEAKY! So, yeah, I think it’s totally like that.
Good gravy, I need a life. . .
This is just like what happened to Lynette? On Desperate Housewives? When she hid her pregnancy from Carlos, and then when he found out he knew he couldn’t fire her, so he gave her a “promotion” which required that she leave Fairfield and move to Florida (FLORIDA!) and so she said no and he said she was out of a job because she said no to the promotion and that he wasn’t firing her, and it was SO! DAMN! SNEAKY! So, yeah, I think it’s totally like that.
Good gravy, I need a life. . .
Postpartum Story (Jacob)
Warning for all you squeamish folk out there: there will be blood. .
When Jacob was about 2 weeks old, I woke up with unexplained pain in my left hip and groin to the point that I couldn’t walk without help. After two days of on and off pain, it got so bad that I ended up in the ER at 4 in the morning and called my Mom in NY to see if she could come out and help with Jacob because I couldn’t take care of him.
Over the next 3 weeks my mom (props to Jojo!) did most of the day to day caretaking of Jacob while I tried to rest and visited the chiropractor and tried to figure out the mystery of this random pain, which kept me up most nights while Jacob slept. During this time I bought not one, but TWO Magic Bullets (Buy One Get One Free if you act NOW!) and became addicted to the Food Network and Rachael Ray. When Jacob was almost six weeks, I found an orthopedist who ordered an MRI which would later show a bulging disc. The good news was that I was starting to feel better, and my mom went home.
I started passing large clots the day that my mom left, literally passing the first one in the half hour before she left for the airport. Since the postpartum bleeding had slowed down and was now increasing, I was scared and called my OB. The office wasn’t too concerned, so I felt kind of foolish. As the evening wore on, I continued to pass golf ball sized clots, which steadily increased in size. Finally, we drove to ER at about 2 am, the third such trip in six weeks.
As soon as I stepped out of the car in the ER parking lot (what a polite uterus I have--NOT ON THE JETTA!!), I felt a whoosh of blood pour down my legs, like someone had pulled a string on a bucket in my uterus. Not one to give up appearances, my first thought was, good thing I’m wearing black pants. I walked into the ER, my slippers leaving Rorschachs on the cream colored linoleum and had a flash of guilt over the mess I was making. After I got on the examining table, I continued to pass more clots and it felt like I was part of a horror movie. I can only imagine how Josh felt, sitting next to our sleeping 6-week old while witnessing clot after clot coming out of his wife’s body.
The ultrasound technician did a scan and found nothing, so they sent me home and told me to see my OB. Since my OB was on vacation, I saw Dr. G, who was the same backup when my Dr was on vacation after my C-Section the next day. When I got to her office at 11 am the next morning, she saw a huge clot blocking my cervix, and sent me back to the hospital next door for surgery to remove it.
I went into surgery at about 1:30 pm, where they did a D&C (dilation & curettage), which is where they dilate your cervix and scrape your uterus clean. I was already dilated about 3-4 cm (much faster than with Jacob!), my body had gone back into labor because there was something still there.
When they removed the clot, 800 ccs of blood came out, a little under 2 pints, which I’m told is about 25% of my blood volume, a factoid I was very glad not to know at the time. They ultimately found that a piece of placenta had been left behind after my C-Section, and that was what had been causing so much havoc on my body.
Dr. G was very apologetic and Monday Morning Quarterbacking her choice to not give me a postpartum scan when I had the uterine infection. I have to say I have no ill will towards either doctor that treated me. They made the best choices that they could, I received good care, and a heartfelt apology goes a long way.
I hated being back in the hospital. I hadn't been apart from Jacob, and after Josh and he left for the night, I cried myself to sleep. I was so afraid and alone, but in shock at what had just happened. That night was probably the lowest point for me, watching my family leave. Now that I was on the mend and feeling safe, my mind finally let me image their life without me.
After that night in the hospital, things improved dramatically. Luckily I didn't need a transfusion and got to go home Saturday morning. That Saturday and Sunday I was tired as my body rebuilt its iron stores, but most of my physical ailments were gone (except for the bulging disc, but even that felt better), and the nice part is that I was so happy to be physically able to take care of my son that I didn’t care about being up in the middle of the night. If I was up, it was because of him, not me, and that was an unexpected joy. I also stopped thinking about what happened to me and put it away in a box, one that I am now trying to slowly unwrap as I gear up for Keiki.
The phrase that goes in and out of my head is this: I could have died. Every time this phrase comes up, it wraps around me like a boa constrictor until I push it down and back into the box. Don’t be silly. You’re such a drama queen. People have been through worse. Whether or not these things are valid, the fact is that when I walked into the ER that last time with blood streaming down my legs, it’s very likely that I was a few bad decisions away from death, and facing that truth is what drives my current fear and indecision regarding Keiki’s birth.
I'm sharing this to try and loosen the power that this has over me. What happened to me was scary and potentially life-threatening, but I made it. I made it to my Dr.’s office before passing that large clot and losing all that blood at home, in my sleep or someplace else where I couldn’t have gotten immediate help. I recovered and was able to care for my son. I am able to carry another healthy baby, and I am willing to work through all this shit, no matter how scary it is. I am so grateful that I am here with my lovely family about to be expanded, which makes it feel all the more selfish to keep up this loop in my head. And yet, I feel that if I can express it, however crazy or self-indulgent that feels, I can let go of it. I can stop thinking about how I could have died, and remember that I didn’t.
When Jacob was about 2 weeks old, I woke up with unexplained pain in my left hip and groin to the point that I couldn’t walk without help. After two days of on and off pain, it got so bad that I ended up in the ER at 4 in the morning and called my Mom in NY to see if she could come out and help with Jacob because I couldn’t take care of him.
Over the next 3 weeks my mom (props to Jojo!) did most of the day to day caretaking of Jacob while I tried to rest and visited the chiropractor and tried to figure out the mystery of this random pain, which kept me up most nights while Jacob slept. During this time I bought not one, but TWO Magic Bullets (Buy One Get One Free if you act NOW!) and became addicted to the Food Network and Rachael Ray. When Jacob was almost six weeks, I found an orthopedist who ordered an MRI which would later show a bulging disc. The good news was that I was starting to feel better, and my mom went home.
I started passing large clots the day that my mom left, literally passing the first one in the half hour before she left for the airport. Since the postpartum bleeding had slowed down and was now increasing, I was scared and called my OB. The office wasn’t too concerned, so I felt kind of foolish. As the evening wore on, I continued to pass golf ball sized clots, which steadily increased in size. Finally, we drove to ER at about 2 am, the third such trip in six weeks.
As soon as I stepped out of the car in the ER parking lot (what a polite uterus I have--NOT ON THE JETTA!!), I felt a whoosh of blood pour down my legs, like someone had pulled a string on a bucket in my uterus. Not one to give up appearances, my first thought was, good thing I’m wearing black pants. I walked into the ER, my slippers leaving Rorschachs on the cream colored linoleum and had a flash of guilt over the mess I was making. After I got on the examining table, I continued to pass more clots and it felt like I was part of a horror movie. I can only imagine how Josh felt, sitting next to our sleeping 6-week old while witnessing clot after clot coming out of his wife’s body.
The ultrasound technician did a scan and found nothing, so they sent me home and told me to see my OB. Since my OB was on vacation, I saw Dr. G, who was the same backup when my Dr was on vacation after my C-Section the next day. When I got to her office at 11 am the next morning, she saw a huge clot blocking my cervix, and sent me back to the hospital next door for surgery to remove it.
I went into surgery at about 1:30 pm, where they did a D&C (dilation & curettage), which is where they dilate your cervix and scrape your uterus clean. I was already dilated about 3-4 cm (much faster than with Jacob!), my body had gone back into labor because there was something still there.
When they removed the clot, 800 ccs of blood came out, a little under 2 pints, which I’m told is about 25% of my blood volume, a factoid I was very glad not to know at the time. They ultimately found that a piece of placenta had been left behind after my C-Section, and that was what had been causing so much havoc on my body.
Dr. G was very apologetic and Monday Morning Quarterbacking her choice to not give me a postpartum scan when I had the uterine infection. I have to say I have no ill will towards either doctor that treated me. They made the best choices that they could, I received good care, and a heartfelt apology goes a long way.
I hated being back in the hospital. I hadn't been apart from Jacob, and after Josh and he left for the night, I cried myself to sleep. I was so afraid and alone, but in shock at what had just happened. That night was probably the lowest point for me, watching my family leave. Now that I was on the mend and feeling safe, my mind finally let me image their life without me.
After that night in the hospital, things improved dramatically. Luckily I didn't need a transfusion and got to go home Saturday morning. That Saturday and Sunday I was tired as my body rebuilt its iron stores, but most of my physical ailments were gone (except for the bulging disc, but even that felt better), and the nice part is that I was so happy to be physically able to take care of my son that I didn’t care about being up in the middle of the night. If I was up, it was because of him, not me, and that was an unexpected joy. I also stopped thinking about what happened to me and put it away in a box, one that I am now trying to slowly unwrap as I gear up for Keiki.
The phrase that goes in and out of my head is this: I could have died. Every time this phrase comes up, it wraps around me like a boa constrictor until I push it down and back into the box. Don’t be silly. You’re such a drama queen. People have been through worse. Whether or not these things are valid, the fact is that when I walked into the ER that last time with blood streaming down my legs, it’s very likely that I was a few bad decisions away from death, and facing that truth is what drives my current fear and indecision regarding Keiki’s birth.
I'm sharing this to try and loosen the power that this has over me. What happened to me was scary and potentially life-threatening, but I made it. I made it to my Dr.’s office before passing that large clot and losing all that blood at home, in my sleep or someplace else where I couldn’t have gotten immediate help. I recovered and was able to care for my son. I am able to carry another healthy baby, and I am willing to work through all this shit, no matter how scary it is. I am so grateful that I am here with my lovely family about to be expanded, which makes it feel all the more selfish to keep up this loop in my head. And yet, I feel that if I can express it, however crazy or self-indulgent that feels, I can let go of it. I can stop thinking about how I could have died, and remember that I didn’t.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
God Bless You and the United States of America
For some reason, I have such a fondness for the sayings and mixed up idioms of those for whom English is a second language. I think this is because I often mix up syllables in words (there's even a word for it: Spoonerism), or like to make up new words (epinerdis anyone?). Oh how I love the poetry of a new phrase or the images that come to mind when a mixed up phrase is used. Like the time my friend A (daughter of immigrants, she kind of inherited this trait) said, “She is one cool glass of water,” and instead of thinking of a tall thin girl, I imagined a glass filled with ice water with a head on top and some arms poking out the sides.
This may be one of the reasons why I married a man with foreign born parents, so I can bask in the beauty of words lost in translation. I would share some here, but my in-laws may someday find this site. Despite the fact that I write about the state of my cervix, I do have some boundaries, people!
My first real experience with this was when I worked in the undergraduate science library during my final year of college. One of the daytime supervisors was a Polish woman we’ll call L. She was a character, and to look at her, she really had no place in a science library.
5 feet (if that) and all cleavage, she favored tight clothes and high heels, despite being somewhere in her mid to late fifties, although she would never admit her age. In fact, she liked to put people on the spot by asking them how old they thought she was; any year in the 40s brought a big smile. Her husband was a Stanford professor and they had a long distance “open” relationship. She smoked like a chimney, as did I, she liked to talk, I liked to listen, so we got along famously.
My favorite thing about L was that despite living here for over 30 years, she had a very thick accent. I think this was a point of pride for her, as her brother, who was only a couple of years younger than she and emigrated at the same time, spoke perfect accentless English.
Anyhoo, L mixed up words all the time, like saying “I give you an inch, and you take my leg!” to the man with the 6 month overdue textbook who wanted to wave his fines. My favorite was when someone said something sweet to her, and she said, “God Bless You and the United States of America!” I thought it was a one time deal, but she said it frequently and something about it sent me into fits of laughter. So now, every time I think “God Bless Blank” I silently, and sometimes not so silently, add “. . .and the United States of America!" And every time I say, think or write this phrase, I make sure to do a thick Polish accent in my head.
This may be one of the reasons why I married a man with foreign born parents, so I can bask in the beauty of words lost in translation. I would share some here, but my in-laws may someday find this site. Despite the fact that I write about the state of my cervix, I do have some boundaries, people!
My first real experience with this was when I worked in the undergraduate science library during my final year of college. One of the daytime supervisors was a Polish woman we’ll call L. She was a character, and to look at her, she really had no place in a science library.
5 feet (if that) and all cleavage, she favored tight clothes and high heels, despite being somewhere in her mid to late fifties, although she would never admit her age. In fact, she liked to put people on the spot by asking them how old they thought she was; any year in the 40s brought a big smile. Her husband was a Stanford professor and they had a long distance “open” relationship. She smoked like a chimney, as did I, she liked to talk, I liked to listen, so we got along famously.
My favorite thing about L was that despite living here for over 30 years, she had a very thick accent. I think this was a point of pride for her, as her brother, who was only a couple of years younger than she and emigrated at the same time, spoke perfect accentless English.
Anyhoo, L mixed up words all the time, like saying “I give you an inch, and you take my leg!” to the man with the 6 month overdue textbook who wanted to wave his fines. My favorite was when someone said something sweet to her, and she said, “God Bless You and the United States of America!” I thought it was a one time deal, but she said it frequently and something about it sent me into fits of laughter. So now, every time I think “God Bless Blank” I silently, and sometimes not so silently, add “. . .and the United States of America!" And every time I say, think or write this phrase, I make sure to do a thick Polish accent in my head.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
37 Weeks: Not so neutral swiss chard
37 Weeks = Full Term = Let the jumping jacks commence!!
In all seriousness, it feels so good to be full term. Despite mind-boggling nausea for half of this pregnancy, overall things have gone pretty well. I'm starting to learn energy moderation and have been able to still enjoy things like making dinner and stroller striding without feeling like I'm going to collapse. Unfortunately I am down with a head cold that is making me a fusspot and giving Jacob a run for his money right now, but I’m trying to be patient since I can’t take lots of decongestants and whatnot, but god bless Benadryl and the United States of America! (I will give some context to that in a post someday, I promise)
Unlike my little chard within, I am not feeling so Swiss (neutral – I know, lame wordplay, but Babycenter is not giving me much!). I’m leaning more into the VBAC camp, but not ready to fully get on board with either decision. I will have an ultrasound next week that I may allow to decide my fate for me if Keiki is looking like another almost 10 pounder.
While part of me doesn’t want to make a decision before my due date, there is another part of me that just wants to decide already and be done with this. It is really hard work to slog through my labor, delivery and aftermath with Jacob and the emotional scars it left; all the fears that I have about my impending birth experience with Keiki. There is part of me that knows that it’s not just about this birth experience, and that if I don’t sit with my ambivalence and fear, it will manifest itself somewhere else in my life. Whoah, is that too Oprah for a blogger that responds to her junk mail? Well, let’s face it people, I’m kind of Oprah. Let’s just say that feeling my feelings are kind of hard for me, and all this feeling stuff and growing can be really draining.
I’m trying to see the up side. If I keep up this work, then I’ll have something to hold over Keiki when he/she is 15: “Do you know how many feelings I had to feel, how many tissues I used and how much therapy I went through to be a good mother to you?! Now just pick up your damn room!” Not as good as the guilt I can hold over Jacob, what with the “I went through surgery so you could come out with a nice round head, fella!” Oh well, it’s a start.
In all seriousness, it feels so good to be full term. Despite mind-boggling nausea for half of this pregnancy, overall things have gone pretty well. I'm starting to learn energy moderation and have been able to still enjoy things like making dinner and stroller striding without feeling like I'm going to collapse. Unfortunately I am down with a head cold that is making me a fusspot and giving Jacob a run for his money right now, but I’m trying to be patient since I can’t take lots of decongestants and whatnot, but god bless Benadryl and the United States of America! (I will give some context to that in a post someday, I promise)
Unlike my little chard within, I am not feeling so Swiss (neutral – I know, lame wordplay, but Babycenter is not giving me much!). I’m leaning more into the VBAC camp, but not ready to fully get on board with either decision. I will have an ultrasound next week that I may allow to decide my fate for me if Keiki is looking like another almost 10 pounder.
While part of me doesn’t want to make a decision before my due date, there is another part of me that just wants to decide already and be done with this. It is really hard work to slog through my labor, delivery and aftermath with Jacob and the emotional scars it left; all the fears that I have about my impending birth experience with Keiki. There is part of me that knows that it’s not just about this birth experience, and that if I don’t sit with my ambivalence and fear, it will manifest itself somewhere else in my life. Whoah, is that too Oprah for a blogger that responds to her junk mail? Well, let’s face it people, I’m kind of Oprah. Let’s just say that feeling my feelings are kind of hard for me, and all this feeling stuff and growing can be really draining.
I’m trying to see the up side. If I keep up this work, then I’ll have something to hold over Keiki when he/she is 15: “Do you know how many feelings I had to feel, how many tissues I used and how much therapy I went through to be a good mother to you?! Now just pick up your damn room!” Not as good as the guilt I can hold over Jacob, what with the “I went through surgery so you could come out with a nice round head, fella!” Oh well, it’s a start.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monkey Brain
7 am, working from home, a conversation in my head:
Self, while logging onto VPN and code changes: Dang it!
Monkey Brain: What’s that?
Self: I HATE it when my RSA code changes in the middle of logging onto VPN!
MB: You know what?
Self: What?
MB: Your epinerdis is showing! (wild hoots of monkey laughter)
Self: My wha?
MB: Your epiNERDis! Like Epidermis, but NERD? Get it? Get it? (more cackles)
Between the ages of 6 and 10, my brother Ben (now that he’s on the Internet, I’m using his full name) told me, “Hey, your epidermis is showing,” about 999 times, and EVERY time I fell for it! And to think, it only took 13 more years to get a diagnosis of ADD. Oh look, a shiny object!
Self, while logging onto VPN and code changes: Dang it!
Monkey Brain: What’s that?
Self: I HATE it when my RSA code changes in the middle of logging onto VPN!
MB: You know what?
Self: What?
MB: Your epinerdis is showing! (wild hoots of monkey laughter)
Self: My wha?
MB: Your epiNERDis! Like Epidermis, but NERD? Get it? Get it? (more cackles)
Between the ages of 6 and 10, my brother Ben (now that he’s on the Internet, I’m using his full name) told me, “Hey, your epidermis is showing,” about 999 times, and EVERY time I fell for it! And to think, it only took 13 more years to get a diagnosis of ADD. Oh look, a shiny object!
Spam
Dear Marriage-minded People,
Marriage minded? But of course! That’s kind of why I got married. Duh!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Marriage minded? But of course! That’s kind of why I got married. Duh!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
Monday, January 18, 2010
Spam
Dear Gmail inbox sorters,
E-mails from Oprah to NOT go into the junk mailbox. You were doing so well, but minus 10 points for you!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
E-mails from Oprah to NOT go into the junk mailbox. You were doing so well, but minus 10 points for you!
Sincerely,
Monkey Brain
37 Week Checkup Stats
BP: 99/77
Fundal Height: 40 cm
Weight: +1 lb
Cervix: No change
Other: Strep B was negative
Looks like Keiki really jumped in size this week, but I had the backup OB, who noted that measurements can depend from caregiver to caregiver, so we’ll see. No major changes, BP still looking good, no swelling yet. I’m tired, but I also have a cold (got the go ahead for Benadryl, thank God!)
On Wednesday, I’ll be full term, and I can’t wait. Unfortunately we are having major rain this week, so potentially no Stroller Strides, which I was kind of hoping would help put me into labor. I also read Your Best Birth this weekend. I’ve been procrastinating on reading it because I’ve been afraid that it would make me feel more pressure to pursue VBAC, but I think they did a very good job of advocating the concept that your best birth is one in which you are making informed decisions and doing what is best for you.
I was pretty impressed with the OB today. I go to a all-female practice with three doctors, and they make sure you get to meet everyone before your delivery just in case your usual OB is not there. I've met the third doctor, but this one is new, replacing the OB who happened to back up my OB when Jacob was born and when I hemorraghed six weeks postpartum. My OB was there for the birth, but out of town during my uterine infection and the six week disaster, so I was grateful that I knew and liked the backup.
Anyhoo.
I must be a cheap date because she had me at hello. Since today was a holiday, both my fellas came with, and her opening comment was, "Is this the little guy that was 9 lbs, 14 oz?" At the end, she asked twice if we had additional questions. These two gestures may not seem like much, but as a patient, it's the little things that earn my trust. When I read about OB experiences where the doctor has a one eye on the clock, I'm grateful for my OB practice and that this woman took some time to learn about me and my past experience, and wasn't running out of there once she got a feel of the ole cervix.
Fundal Height: 40 cm
Weight: +1 lb
Cervix: No change
Other: Strep B was negative
Looks like Keiki really jumped in size this week, but I had the backup OB, who noted that measurements can depend from caregiver to caregiver, so we’ll see. No major changes, BP still looking good, no swelling yet. I’m tired, but I also have a cold (got the go ahead for Benadryl, thank God!)
On Wednesday, I’ll be full term, and I can’t wait. Unfortunately we are having major rain this week, so potentially no Stroller Strides, which I was kind of hoping would help put me into labor. I also read Your Best Birth this weekend. I’ve been procrastinating on reading it because I’ve been afraid that it would make me feel more pressure to pursue VBAC, but I think they did a very good job of advocating the concept that your best birth is one in which you are making informed decisions and doing what is best for you.
I was pretty impressed with the OB today. I go to a all-female practice with three doctors, and they make sure you get to meet everyone before your delivery just in case your usual OB is not there. I've met the third doctor, but this one is new, replacing the OB who happened to back up my OB when Jacob was born and when I hemorraghed six weeks postpartum. My OB was there for the birth, but out of town during my uterine infection and the six week disaster, so I was grateful that I knew and liked the backup.
Anyhoo.
I must be a cheap date because she had me at hello. Since today was a holiday, both my fellas came with, and her opening comment was, "Is this the little guy that was 9 lbs, 14 oz?" At the end, she asked twice if we had additional questions. These two gestures may not seem like much, but as a patient, it's the little things that earn my trust. When I read about OB experiences where the doctor has a one eye on the clock, I'm grateful for my OB practice and that this woman took some time to learn about me and my past experience, and wasn't running out of there once she got a feel of the ole cervix.
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