Spam

Dear Male Pharmacy On-Line,

MR Caitlin? MR?! You really need to get a fact checker for your spam business. Um, how many MEN are searching for things like what to eat while breastfeeding (NOT Indian food, fyi). Other than that "pregnant man" from Oregon, methinks not many.

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

In Re: Create the fever in your bed!

Dear Phisherman,

There’s already a fever in my bed. It’s called postpartum night sweats.

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Hoveround Power Wheelchair,

Have you been following me? I only used the power chair in Target because of massive incision pain due to my C-section. And while I’ll admit I had a lot of fun (except when I rear-ended that poor lady’s ankles), it’s not a permanent situation, my friend.

Sincerely,
Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Phisherman,

“Give your rocket more TNT”? Now that just sounds like a fire hazard. Safety first, people!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

In Re: I am your Russian pussy, do you remember my nickname?

Dear Russian pussy,

I may be a Monkey Brain, but I’m pre-tty sure that I would remember having a cat. To be honest, I’m more of a dog person anyway.

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear “Rose”,

Do I have love handles? DO I HAVE LOVE HANDLES? Sweetie. I am 9 months pregnant. My LOVE handles have love handles!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear California Democratic Party,

I don’t know how you got my personal e-mail, which I never give out (that’s what yahoo accounts are for), but this needs to stop. If I get ONE more e-mail from an assembly person or other California legislator, I swear to Jehosepha that I will vote Republican whenever possible.

Please do not take this as an empty threat. When my Granny was in labor with my father, Grandad made her vote in the Republican Primary and as a result, my father was born in an elevator. Granny voted Democrat for the rest of her life.

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear VicodinPharma,

I’ve received several e-mails from you this week. Hmm, do you have some insight into my upcoming delivery? Please, tell me what is in your crystal ball!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Phisherman,

Do I “want to bigger down there”? Um, no. And trust me, everyone does NOT want “to bigger down there.” For example, I am carrying a big Valentine’s box of chocolates in my belly, and the bigger it gets, the less likely I’ll have a successful VBAC; yah feel me?

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Phisherman,

Why yes, I AM looking to be a top chef. Finally, you guys are listening!!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Marriage-minded People,

Marriage minded? But of course! That’s kind of why I got married. Duh!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Gmail inbox sorters,

E-mails from Oprah to NOT go into the junk mailbox. You were doing so well, but minus 10 points for you!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Google,

I have to tell you guys that your Spam is way more interesting than Yahoo! With all your medical discounts and creative euphemisms for male genitalia, you are kicking Yahoo!’s Christian Ministry Course’s butts.

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Really Viagra? Seriously? Hmm, how do I make myself clear? I have no pee pee to speak of.  Do you think I'm like that pregnant man from Oregon?

BARKING.
UP.
THE.
WRONG.
TREE.

Spam

Dear person in charge of Barbara Boxer’s e-mail list,
Um, first of all? Remove me from your list. Second of all? E-mails that come into my mailbox with the subject line, “Don’t Delete This,” go straight in the trash. I may be a Monkey Brain, but this isn’t 1994 when e-mail was new for me and I opened and forwarded everything, including dirty e-mails about Smurfette.

Sincerely,
Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Phisherman,
Pay my house off in 5-7 years? HAH!!! Have you BEEN to the Bay Area lately? We’ve got a solid 28 years on this sucker!

Sincerely,
Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Smoke Shack,

Dude! Did you not read my new year’s post? No smoky trees for me!

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Retraction

Dear Mr Phisherman,

I apologize for my snobbery. My husband reminded me tonight that we shopped at Wal-Mart in Maui two years ago. Oops. I'm not totally counting it because we used a gift card and we weren't on the continental US, but nonetheless, I lied, and I'm sorry. (Josh/A, are you happy now?)

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain

Spam

Dear Mr. Phisherman,
Thanks for the offer to shop Wal-Mart with “this gift card,” but I haven’t shopped Wal-Mart since I read Nickel & Dimed in 2002. I do shop Target though!

Sincerely,
Monkey Brain

Spam

In Re: Resolve to bed more chicks in 2010
Dear Phisherman,

Whoa, whoa, whoa, fella. Just because we got a compost bin doesn’t mean we are going to start a chicken farm down here!

Sincerely,
Monkey Brain