Homework

On Monday, I had my 28 week check up. I’ll go every two weeks until 36 weeks, at which point I’ll go weekly for a “measure and listen,” which is usually a 5 min check to hear Keiki’s heartbeat and measure my belly, check weight and blood pressure. These appointments have been quick since everything is on track, but this week I had some homework to do as I try to make a decision about Keiki’s delivery.

On my last visit, I told my OB that I had been feeling down lately, and today, I started crying as I tried to express ambivalence over choosing VBAC or scheduled C-section. And here's why I like my OB and am glad that she will be delivering Keiki as well. She handed me a box of tissues and guided me through my written questions without a glance at her watch or telling me what I should do.

There are lots of pros and cons, and I'll be writing about them in the coming months, but basically, it’s still wait and see. To have a VBAC, a certain number of stars need to align, but the main ones are there, like the fact that both my hospital and OB perform VBACs.

Then come the "Ifs." If I have a smaller baby that’s low and I’m dilating well. If I don’t go past my due date. If I don't develop high blood pressure. These are a lot of ifs, but I find it all somewhat calming. It’s like I can create a matrix (oh how my chaotic Monkey Brain loves her a good matrix!) for all this, a structure to help me make the best decision, both for right now, and when Keiki’s ready to come out. It’s empowering.

I think back at the Me who was in labor with Jacob, and I can see now how much anxiety was there, and I just shut down in some ways. Sometimes I wish that I could pick her up, like when Jacob is having a meltdown, and rock her and make her feel safe. This level of awareness makes me feel closer to accepting the choices that I made, closer to letting go of wanting the past to be any different.

Sometimes I question all this focus on the labor/delivery choice. Presumably, I’m only going to have one more child, so why all the fuss, all this work? But I know that Jacob’s birth brought up aspects of me with which I struggle, that will continue to show up in other ways and other parts of my life until I am willing to deal with them. Why now? Why not?