27 Weeks: The debate goes on

As I begin the last week of my second trimester (Keiki the Cauliflower!), I'm thinking more and more about the whole scheduled C-section vs. Vaginal Birth After Cesaerean (VBAC) debate that rages on in my mind.

At this time, there is no medical or logistical reason why I can't have a VBAC. This may change if I have another big head baby at 8 months, my Obstetrician (OB) may dictate a C-section, but for now, it's my decision. This is hard for me, because I kind of want someone else to tell me what to do.

Whatever I decide, I have some work to do in accepting the circumstances of Jacob's birth. While it might have been helpful for me to deal with this BEFORE GETTING PREGNANT AGAIN, I tend to work well under a deadline, and so this is just the way it's going to be.

I remember the feeling of relief when Jacob came out safely. When my OB said, "Oh yeah, there was no way that he was coming out any other way," I felt like we made the right decision to go forward with the C-Section instead of waiting a few more hours, putting him in more potential danger in an effort to keep to the birth plan (no c-sections unless it's an emergency).

I also remember feeling scared and alone, flat on my back, body still open, nauseated from the anesthesia. I couldn't stop shaking, and while I wanted to pull my arms in close, I wasn't allowed to remove them from the crucifix position that I was in. The fever began almost immediately, and I passed in and out of consciousness in the recovery room while the nurses tried to lower my temperature. I felt woozy and out of it, from no sleep, from 25 hours of labor, from 12 hours of medical interventions.

In the days and weeks that followed, I Monday Morning Quarterbacked myself to death, questioning every choice that I had made throughout my labor, and feeling like the C-section was my fault and representative of some sort of personal defect. And then I stopped thinking about it and life painted over the trauma of those couple of months. As the weeks roll by, I'm determined to chip away that paint and let out whatever feelings may come so that I can let go of the fears and anxiety that I have about childbirth, and truly move forward.

At the end of the day, I don't really have a strong preference to do VBAC or C-section. Right now, the only Birth Plan that's been written for Keiki is to get that little cauliflower out in the safest way possible (for both of us). I think that the next item on the list is to figure out what is going to help me make a decision that feels good for me. Part of that is making peace with September (failed induction)- November (removal of retained placenta) 2007.

But it's not all empty tissue boxes and sadness. When I dress Jacob, it is a constant wrestling match between Jacob's head and any top that doesn't have snaps at the neck. Many times, I curse the toddler t-shirt makers who make cute clothes that squeeze my little pumpkin head going on, and pull his face back like he's had a freaky face-lift when coming off. Today, I thought to myself, How could I have ever expected that head to make it through my hoo hoo? Let the healing begin.