To the deceased spider in my kitchen

Dear Mr Spider,

My husband tells me he found you sneaking in from our garage this morning, and that your body (not including your legs) was the size of a quarter. A QUARTER! What the heckadeedoodle have you been eating, Mr. Spider? Those cereal bars are for Jacob! I'm sorry, I should be more sensitive. Of course, I of all people would house a spider who eats their feelings.

They say that where there is one, there are more nearby. Are you trying to send me into pre-term labor? This baby still has some cooking to do, so please send a message from the Great Beyond to any other friends nearby to STAY AWAY.

Know this spiders: we are bigger than you, smarter than you, and have access to large boots and chemicals and we're not afraid to use them.

Sincerely,

Monkey Brain